Clean Air Zone Provokes High Rage Zone.

This morning, I came down the creaky stairs, wondering what to write for this weekly column. Most weeks, I have something in mind; on weeks like these, thoughts nudge me not to bother; ‘it won’t matter if you don’t do it today. Just wait for next week; you’ll think of something by then.’ But something always comes up, and today, as I turn ninety degrees and come down the final three steps, I look out through the glass door to see two A5-sized envelopes on the floor in my covered porch/conservatory.

Letters are rare these days, and their arrival should create a little sense of excitement. But who sends good news in the 2020s? It’s most likely junk mail, although even the junk mailers have given up. I miss all those kebab menus. It can’t be the taxman or the DVLA. These are white, not brown, envelopes. So, as I bend down to pick up the two ‘treats’ and flip them over, the return address reads ‘Xerox Capture and Consent Services.’

Great, I don’t need a photocopier, more junk for the bin. It’s amazing how lazy the human brain can be, even in a non-lazy person. I was about to screw them up, but as my thumb brushed up the back of the envelope, I felt the flap was not fully stuck down. About 10mm of it was unstuck, enough to make me grab and pull it open without thinking about it, without the effort to pick at a fully stuck-down tab. Good ploy. I’m not alone in my morning laziness when confronted with the possibility of buying a photocopier.

As I pulled the letter out, I noticed the circular red crest of Bristol City Council. Alongside it are the words ‘Penalty Charge Notice.’ After the initial ‘Oh bollocks,’ a smug feeling fills me with a little joy. I know they’ve made a mistake. I know I paid for parking. I was in a multi-storey next to the shopping centre. But the black and white photo on the back reveals another story. Two photos of my van on the open road mean I need to read the letter further.

The friendly people who used to sell photocopiers have written to tell me I have ‘been detected in the Bristol Clean Air Zone (CAZ).’ Now the blood pressure is rising to levels my new Aktiia blood pressure gadget can’t cope with. The alarms are going off. ‘Clean Air Zone, FFS, Clean Air Zone, my van’s quite new, FFS, Clean Air Zone.’ They want sixty-nine quid for missing a stupid sign that, had I seen it, would have cost me only nine quid.

Here’s the rub: the concept of a Clean Air Zone is inherently positive, designed to reduce pollution and promote public health. However, the implementation and communication methods leave much to be desired, turning a well-intentioned initiative into a source of aggravation. Right, back to the rage:

I hate councils, I hate the government. I hate being treated like a schoolboy. Why don’t they build it into the parking apps? ‘Do you know you’re in a CAZ? If you’ve not pre-paid, you can pay the CAZ here.’ That sort of thing would be sensible even if the apps charged a couple of quid for the service. Parking attendants (nothing to do with this fine) are the devil reincarnated. Why don’t they think of helpful ways to do these things? Power-tripping so-and-so’s. Give them a uniform…

But what’s the second Xerox letter? Well, the idiots have just printed two. They specialise in photocopiers. It’s okay, I’m winning again. These losers have messed up. The same neat 10mm flappy tab invites me to open the envelope. I slide the letter out. Yes, Bristol again, PCN again. Losers. But, different photo. Oh no. They’ve done me for the overnight trip. I was in Bristol less than twenty-four hours, and these muppets want £138 for not paying an £18 tax.

Now, I’m still looking to be on top; the best I can do is despair that issuing these fines takes a month. Surely, it’s an automated process; how does it take a month to send a letter where no human is involved? Even Bristol’s robots are hopeless. I’ve used a semi-automated process to capture student feedback this week. I record the audio on my iPad. Name the file. Nicole puts it through the GPT and saves a Word file. A written summary and half a dozen feedback points are captured and sent out within 12 hours of the presentations.

Bristol, Xerox, useless. Nine quid is not enough to stop me from polluting Bristol anyway. I was only telling Pippa recently not to leave Bristol and move to Brighton. I’ve done so much for Bristol over the years; this is how they repay me.

Pause.

I’m a bit late finishing this off. My blood pressure is down. Rhondda and I just took a little trip to Petersfield. We walked around, ran around the lake a few times, had lunch, and met the nice people at Kutchenhaus. I saw a traffic warden, but I dodged his evil ways. On the way, I was reminded by the signs that we have an entirely useless CAZ in Portsmouth. They’ll ramp that up one day.

Hopefully, Cllr Steve Pitt will create a friendly approach for first-offenders visiting the city and spending money with local businesses. All it takes is a letter from the Council via Xerox to say, ‘Thanks for visiting Portsmouth; we hope you had a great time. We have a CAZ to help keep the air clean. Next time you visit, please pay our charge to avoid a fine. We’ve waived your fine for your first visit because we want you to return.’ Or something like that. In fact, I’m going to forward this to him.

Am I going back to Bristol? No chance. Never again. I do really like it, though. Maybe when I’ve calmed down…

This week’s web links include Visit Bristol to see what a terrible place it is; my new blood pressure gadget; the history of photocopiers; why clean air zones are a great idea; and some pictures of nice houses in Greece to calm me down.

Feel free to let me know if you have any comments or suggestions. You will always find me at carl@carlarchitect.co.uk.

This Week’s Links:

Here is some information on Bristol and why it’s a terrible place

The history of photocopiers, in case you are struggling to sleep tonight.

I thought Xerox had gone the way of Kodak and Polaroid. But they are alive and kicking and sending out bad news.

Some positive news on Clean Air Zones.

Of course, The Guardian loves London’s ULEZ…..

If your blood pressure is high and you want to monitor it, I recommend the Aktiia. I’ve had mine for just over three weeks. Impressive bit of discreet tech.

The best Greek Island AirBnB’s.

The most beautiful swimming pools in the world

65 Classic French Recipes to add to your repertoire.

And since Dry January is over, what should you do now? Some carefully crafted advice.

But given what I’ve been through today, I’m going out to buy a bottle of this.

Main image credit: Bristol’s Clean Air Zone marshalled by Xerox.